


Fresh Eyes

by daizhan



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Gen, I don't know..., M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25231726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daizhan/pseuds/daizhan
Summary: After months being in 41’s, Kim asked Jean if he have considered about stopping teaming up with Harry at least for a while for Harry’s and his own good.
Relationships: Harry Du Bois & Jean Vicquemare





	Fresh Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> No leading up, yes.
> 
> Talked about "impatient Kim" and this came up to my mind.
> 
> Originally written in English yet I know there would be typos and pardon me for that. I will debug it whenever I found one but I cannot really “finishing” debugging like... tell me where seems to be “???” anyway, thank you.

Kim – I think maybe you should stop teaming up with Harry.

(silence)

Kim – For a while?

(silence)

Kim – Don’t worry, I will... take your job while you taking your break.

Jean – What do you mean by that, excuse me?

Kim – I said – by taking your job, which is taking care of Harry, I mean: NOT babysitting him and–

Jean – You said you’re gonna taking my place?

Kim – no... What? No, Don’t get me wrong. I said maybe you two should get apart for a while.

Jean – For what?

Kim – For his recovery.

Jean – WHAT? Don’t say stupid things like you know him better.

Kim – OH MY. I mean, for breaking the dynamic between you two...not breaking the bond between you two.

Jean – What dynamic then?

Kim – You, keep hating being with him, as well as keep coming back to him, and then keep being hating being with him, and repeat.

Jean – That’s because –

Kim – No matter because what, you should stop doing that ANYWAY.

Jean – ......

Jean – He is the one should get better...

Kim – Of course he is. AND YOU TOO.

Jean – But why it’s me to act, to...

Kim – You Did Want To Get Rid Of Him, didn’t you?

Jean – I did.

Kim – And do you still want t’now?

Jean – I do.

Kim – Then what’s the problem doing it? Practicing it?

Jean – I...

Kim – Do you know you are one of the reason why he can’t get better?

Jean – Wha’the fuck do you mean by that?

Kim – Oh my god you don’t know.

(silence)

Kim – No, I don’t want to argue with you for this if you have totally no idea.

Jean – As you have mentioned, don’t you think you are responsible for not hanging it?

Kim – I might fuck up. On explaining.

Jean – Why do you think so?

Kim – Because I am fucking triggered by it and you have been angry with me mentioned it already.

Jean – Yeah because you said it’s my fault, didn’t you?

Kim – I – fuck, this is why I don’t want to explain. I DO think you are responsible for it. And I don’t want to blame on you but... fuck I do think so. I can’t explain it without blaming on you when I am emotional.

(silence)

Judit – Well, maybe, you just explain it, and... if Jean get you wrong, you fix it.

Kim – I am too defensive to do it now. AS YOU HAVE SEEN. It’s me initiated though, I know. Pardon me.

Judit – I’ll help you then?

Kim – ......

Judit – I’ll cover you then.

(still silence)

Judit – Listen, I appreciate you initiated... because we have been running out of methods of how to make him better for a while... long while, as you have already known. So, any new idea is... welcome.

Kim – ......

Judit – Please.

Kim – ......

Judit – Please, Jean, you really don’t want to know? I believe that your therapist has gave you the same advise. You just... ignored it.

Jean – Like you didn’t insist to help him.

Judit – Yes. I did. But I didn’t get the advise. I, if I didn’t get it wrong, I think the reason why and the way I help is a little different with the reason and the way you do, thus Kim asked you, instead of me.

Jean – Because I AM his partner, YOU AIN’T, of course he can’t give you the same advise “Judit, I think you should stop teaming up with Harry,” because YOU ARE NOT TEAMING UP WITH HIM AT ALL.

Judit – Do you really think so?

Judit – Do you really think this is the reason why?

Judit – Do you really think I am totally agree with the way you “help” him?

Jean – Now what? You want to help Kim get Harry?

Kim – F-- THIS is _WHY_ you need to get apart from him.

Judit – --No. To your question, Jean. And, do you really think **so**? The last question you’ve just asked, you meant it? As how you know me?

Jean – Nh... I... No.

Judit – Great. Now, listen to Kim, will you?

Jean – Bu’why don’t you explain it by yourself then?

Judit – Because I only **intuitively** know there is something wrong with you however I haven’t figured it out yet and I don’t know when will I figure it out and I even don’t know if I COULD figure it out. SO, as here is some ready-made thoughts, I am more than willing to hear.

Jean – ha...

Jean – Right, right... alright then.

Judit – Thanks.

Judit – Kim?

Judit – I will STOP you THEN.

Kim – Well... okay then.

Kim – By “You Did Want To Get Rid Of Him,” I mean the... anxious, sui--, sad, depressed, hopeless, passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, ridiculous... suicidal side of him.

Kim – Not “Whole Him.”

Kim – So I didn’t mean to take your place, to be by his side. No. Please. Trust me.

Kim – But you two are like... like whenever he gets headache, he takes painkillers, and never go to the doctor, the painkillers work well so he never needs to go to the doctor, so... he would find out that he has cancer... only when it’s too late. AFTER it’s too late. By this metaphor, He is Harry, Headache is Mental-and-whatever-issues, Painkiller is You, Jean Vicquemare, and cancer-the-too-late is...

(pause)

Kim – “It’s better he uses you as painkiller than using Speed”... I thought so. But no longer.

Kim – It’s... it’s... abyss.

Kim – Abyss.

Jean – So, what’s your advice, pharmacist?

Kim – Don’t give him the pills. Any pills. Make him to go to the REAL doctor, counselor, therapist, whoever is professional at this...

Jean – Like we didn’t try.

Kim – Try again.

Jean – Like we ain’t keeping trying.

Kim – Are you?

Jean – I--

Kim – You almost gave up, didn’t you?

Kim – You just kind of “let he be him” but you can’t, you just can’t see him fall as the consequence of being **himself**. So you give a... sort of help to... keep him... in the state that... enough to survive, not enough to live, and enough to... commit suicide again, and again, and again.

Kim – You need to PUSH him to the counselor. I mean it. By PUSH, you need to maybe threaten him like “go get a _series of_ counseling or I’ll leave you.” at least at this moment.

Jean – I... I can’t. I can’t do it.

Kim – Why?

Jean – I can’t let him... leave him along. Even if leave him in feeling of being left along.

Kim – Yes, you can.

Kim – Actually You have done once. In Martinaise. Left him to me.

(pause)

Kim – ay...

Kim – No, I’m not showing off, nor am I blaming on you for doing this, for... whatever reason comes to your mind NOW. I just want to let you know, in fact, you could. You just need to do it once again, do it without fear, anger, passive-aggressive mechanism, and vengeance.

Jean – It’s a wrong decision.

Kim – I said “do it again – without fear, anger, passive-aggressive mechanism, and vengeance.”

Kim – ay......

Kim – You are but afraid of the possible answer.

Kim – That he might say: ok, you leave. “I don’t care.”

Kim – You know what? He forgot you. Once. That was actually a chance for him to have no painkiller – I swear if he keeps relying on me I would push him myself – because he didn’t know there is a painkiller, a ton of painkiller, awaits him, here in Jamrock – where he didn’t even know where it was, how to get there – named Jean Vicquemare.

Kim – Of course it was Judit brought you to him, but don’t even try to blame on her. How you act after she brought you to him is your decision. And of course so is how you treat him after, AFTER Martinaise.

Kim – And guess what? How soon did he find out that you can be his painkiller...?

Kim – I know even though he doesn’t remember you, his brain and body still do, so it’s not that hard for him to _find you_ but... did you change the way you treat him? Did you cut the possible coming Déjà vu future from actually coming?

Kim – No...

Kim – You know what? He forgot you. That was actually a chance for you to break free...

Kim – From the toxicity, not bond.

Kim – And how soon did you prison yourself a-g-a-i-n?

Kim – This is what I meant by d-y-n-a-m-i-c.

Kim – Could you imagine how hopeless I felt when I finally made all the formalities done and actually transferred to 41’s...?

Kim – He was O-M-G just exactly the same with the first day I met him in Martinaise, fuck! Even worse! How did you get there! SO SOON!

Jean – You can’t blame it all on me!

Kim – I FUCKING KNOW and I FUCKING TRIED!

Judit – (made a gesture between them to prevent the conflict from leveling up)

(pause)

Kim – Must you be as obsessive over him as he is over Dora?

Judit – STOP!

(silence)

Kim – ...You, two, are like a 20-years-lasting and have-lasted-fucking-way-too-long unhealthy marriage and only family name, marriage certificate and lawsuit – for divorce! – are left. No love, sorry. Can’t even make an angry one, nor a sorry one. And No, it’s Not because you are heterosexual life partners. So, NO, No friendship, either. No partnership, at all. No any kind of positive relationship and emotions between, dare you doubt? Fuck how can 41’s just LOOK at you killing yourselves like this? I CAN’T! And... you... I just... don’t understand how could you, endure... gosh.

Jean – But you did endured, how did you do that then?

Kim – By the belief of “this is temporary”!

Jean – It’s no longer temporary once you decided to come to 41’s.

Kim – Yeah... yeah... I decided because I saw a spark of hope like for his recovery and for my own boring faithless life and this possible-interesting life in 41’s imagined would be built and must be built on his actually-only-possible recovery otherwise it would be _too_ interesting so I won’t even consider and I believed that the hope – hopes, would expend. I was...

Jean – Wr--

Kim – No don’t say it out loud enough for me to hear please. I can’t do that after that.

Jean – Ok.

Jean – But my question is: why do you suffer for only LOOKING? From aside?

Kim – What?

Jean – Like, it’s my business, why bother you?

Kim – WHAT? Don’t you think I would feel sad and worry for YOU?

Jean – ......

Judit – (sighed)

Kim – Now you see how Harry has influenced you, no?

Kim – You didn’t ruin your professional life and that’s _**all**_.

Kim – Please, Jean, admit it and help yourself.

(pause)

Kim – I...

(pause)

(pause)

(pause)

(pause...)

Kim – You, know, what... I... actually... I am thinking... I mean, I’ve been thinking...

Kim – ...You, might, have, been, falling, into, a place, that

Kim – You have no choice but to treat him like you hate him – have been hating him for one hundred life times...

Kim – As what I saw, you didn’t...

Kim – How you treated him in Marinaise was, terrible. Horrifying.

Kim – I don’t even know if I was him and you treated me like that, I could handle.

Kim – You were very harsh to him then and, I am really not blaming you but, the way you treated him didn’t, doesn’t and won’t help, at all.

Kim – He didn’t consciously remember you but, as I said, he kind of _**felt**_ you, if you can understand. I am not talking about psychic things, please, but I mean it. He knew he _**once knew**_ you. And that’s why he kept trying to talk to you when you showed up like an asshole. Asshole...

Kim – Do you remember how many times he tried to be friendly with you and you acted, reacted like an asshole? I mean, insisting in referring yourself to asshole? Like, you didn't even know how much I've done for stopping him from doing that... yeah you didn't know for sure...

Kim – It’s not your fault, but – and I do know it’s not your fault, I felt it even when we first met – as long as you can’t help but doing so, then... what do you expect?

Kim – What can you allow yourself to expect?

Kim – And I have to say, he really, really got frustrated by... your words. Then. Frustrated by your words when even didn’t “know” anything about you.

Kim – You broke his heart in Martinaise, at least maybe for four times, if you ask me.

Kim – There was an another reason he chose to insist that his partner was me, not you, besides the fact that I was the partner then.

Kim – You might not know but, you,

Kim – You are a thing could trigger him in Martinaise.

Kim – And maybe you are the only living person who triggered him in Martinaise. I mean, JUST after the amnesia.

Kim – He kind of remembered Jules’s voice, got tons of – nerd – knowledge came from who-knows-where yet didn’t know when and where were us. He was always triggered by things could refer to his _**home**_ and _**her**_.

Kim – But they were only _**things**_. And you were a _**person**_ , who was standing in front of him, talking to him, and,

Kim – Hurt him in the present.

Kim – Not past. Not long gone memory. Not fantasy. Not illusion. Not delusion. Not something inside his head. Not dream. Present.

Kim – New. And ANOTHER, ADDED,

Kim – To his newborn, fresh memory...

Kim – Is there any meaning of making his memory tragic again?

(pause)

Kim – You survived from his amnesia.

Kim – And you don’t believe in it.

Kim – Even now.

Kim – You blame him for not remembering of you after all your devotion to him, but...

Kim – It’s denying the fact. The fact of he remembers. It’s denying **him**.

Kim – And **you**...

Kim – ...How about triggering his memory back a little by little?...

(pause)

(pauses)

Kim – Anyways, I don’t believe what you are doing and getting now, are exact what you ultimately want. Anyways. If you insist, I don’t buy it no matter how.

Kim – If you insist, my reason why not buying it is: I don’t see any other possible reason you hurt him.

Jean – Your sentence doesn’t make sense.

Kim – YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

(silence)

(long silence)

Kim – PLEASE. Trust. Me. He Won’t Say Anything Like “oh ok you leave i don’t care.” He couldn’t. Bear your leaving.

Kim – And you need a break, true break, for the sake of you have become unable to... maintain a friendly and authentic interaction with him, this is not only hurting him, but you also. Right?

Kim – The break is for rebuilding your mental health, too.

(silence)

Kim – Even if he said, he doesn’t mean it. And I believe you know.

Kim – Even if he did say that!

(pause)

Kim – I would force him to give up on using “leaving Jean behind” as a manipulation to make you his babysitter,

Kim – As well as apologize to you for DID it,

Kim – As well as swear not doing that again,

Kim – As well as really never do that again.

(silence,)

Kim – He needs to know, temporary separation does not equal leaving or ending every time.

(for longer)

Jean – Actually, we make.

Kim – What?

Jean – Angry love, and/or, sorry love.

Kim – ......

Judit – ......

Kim – You mean you have... sex... angry sex...

Jean – Yeah.

(and longer)

Kim – (covered his face and eyes with one hand, whispered) t-o-x-i-c...

Judit – (closed her eyes for seconds)

Jean – We have, it’s just that, I insist it’s but lust.

Kim – And is it?

Jean – Well... I can’t tell, as you might hinted. I don’t believe, I don’t know what to believe, I don’t either know if I believe, it’s true or not, so, yup, I don’t know, I couldn’t tell.

Kim – Great. At least you got intimacy...

Kim – Temporary though......

Kim – And you lost your physical boundaries, as same as your mental boundaries......

Kim – But god, at least you got......soothed......

Kim – (breath)

Judit – Kim?

Kim – (waved his other hand)

Kim – I’m fine...

Kim – (deep breath)

(long pause)

Kim – I was wrong, you are not 20-years-lasting marriage. You are teenager lovers, young enough to put yourselves into a poetic, apocalypse type of relationship and enjoy it.

Kim – Teenagers, young enough to make love whenever and wherever and with whomever they know or don’t know if there is love. And feel _the_ love from like pale or, really, _**make**_ one.

Kim – And they fuck, of course.

Kim – And get pregnant.

Kim – _Unexpectedly_ , and _Unwillingly_ maybe.

Kim – Most of them ended up: the girl got abortion, or the boy got accused, or the girl got accused, or they both got accused, or all above...

Kim – Or the girl didn’t get abortion, gave birth to the baby instead.

Kim – The baby...

Kim – And the baby was thus born into an unmarried couple, or teenage parents, or _a_ teenage parent... with or without grandparent, but it’s... hard to say, good or bad.

Kim – The baby, ‘s fate, depends, on the reason why, it was born... as known as, why its mother, didn’t get, a proper abortion.

Kim – Or of course, they could once wished and vowed, that, they would get better, cheer up, after, the baby’s born.

Kim – For the baby.

Kim – But mostly...

Kim – Mostly...

Kim – The blessing... turned into... (can’t hear)

Kim – Since the baby, itself, is too heavy, for teenagers...

Jean – Kim?

Kim – I am going to pass out... give me a moment.

Jean – It’s okay. It’s enough. You don’t need to finish – or expand – the metaphor of _baby_ , I could see you are in pain for this. It’s enough, intact for me already.

(silence)

(silence)

Kim – I am sorry for bringing in my personal issue here.

Jean – It’s ok.

Jean – (stood up, if was sitting)

Jean – I don’t know what to say. For now. To the original topic. But, thank you for sharing. I mean it. Sincerely. Sincerely thanks.

Jean – I need to be alone.

Jean – For a second.

(pause)

Jean – And to be honest, it would be... become dangerous for you both in the relationship between you and Harry, and you and me, if you really forced him, like,

Jean – For me.

Jean – So, I will consider, and, you stay still, lieutenant.

Jean – (left)

Judit – I apologize if this conversation hurt you.

Kim – For what?

Judit – For you obviously seem hurt, and I was the one who encouraged you to continue while you have refused to do it.

Kim – Well then... no worry. It was my own decision.

Judit – And I do agree with you... ay.

Judit – I just don’t know how to figure it out on my own, even express it completely.

Kim – It’s fine.

Kim – I am also really tired of this. I might need to say. You didn’t push me.

Judit – May I ask?

Kim – Yes?

Judit – What did you mean by “triggered by this” from the beginning of... today.

Kim – Oh.

Kim – Well...

Judit – No, it’s fine if you don’t wanna say. I am just--

Kim – Concerning about my feeling. I know.

Kim – But as you have seen me being triggered, it’s fine to let you know anyway.

Kim – (started to smoke)

(light silence, which is a preparing for the coming conversation)

Kim – It feels like dealing with kids...

Kim – Like trying to convince them not to use drug.

Kim – And being answered with: “What is drug?”

Kim – “What do you mean by drug?”

Kim – I would say: “That, is drug, what you are pouring into your body.”

Kim – They would say: “But it’s for a good reason.”

Kim – “It’s a cure. Cure to my life.”

Kim – “There is a better cure.” I would say.

Kim – “Must be.”

Kim – “No.”

Kim – By the way, the way they asked “what is drug?” was fucking surprisingly hilariously similar to the way Harry wandering in this can’t-be-more-familiar fucking world when he just awoke from his amnesia of death-or-amnesia.

Kim – “Where is here?”

Kim – “What day is today?”

Kim – “Who am I?”

Kim – “What is Martinaise?”

Kim – “And Revachol?”

Kim – “Or Pale?”...

(pause)

Kim – “Jamrock?”

Kim – “Why am I here?”

Kim – “What am I here for?”

Kim – “Whay?”

Kim – “Body?”

Kim – “And RCM?”

Kim – “I am a police?”

Kim – “I had a gun?”

Kim – “And uniform?”

Kim – “Even a motor carriage?”

Kim – Like they really fucking didn’t know.

Kim – “I was suicidal?”

Kim – “I really should’ve killed myself... for that...”

Kim – What the fuck was he talking, honestly.

Kim – – And they didn’t, for real.

Kim – The kids didn’t know _what is a drug_.

Kim – Oh no. (smiled) Harry DIDN’T have uniform when he was in Martinaise.

Kim – Either.

Kim – And I would say again: “There is a better cure, must be. Maybe cures. A lot of other methods.”

Kim – They would say:

Kim – “No, you don’t know, at all, this is...”

Kim – “This is what I finally found for my life,”

Kim – “After being finding for my whole life.”

Kim – “This is the only thing could make me happy,”

Kim – “Feel good,”

Kim – “And endure the pain of living.”

Kim – “Pain of being alive,”

Kim – “Pain of life.”

Kim – I would say,

Kim – “But it is expensive, isn’t it?”

Kim – They would, most of them would agree.

Kim – “Then...”

Kim – “Why don’t you go to a doctor, or get medicine, if you need a cure?”

Kim – They would...

Kim – Some of them were kind, would explain for me. With smile. On their young, innocent face. Like:

Kim – “Because doctors are expensive, too.”

Kim – “And they are rude.”

Kim – “And this is exactly THE medicine!”

(pause)

Kim – Speed is sweet.

Kim – So is alcohol.

Kim – And cigarette.

(pause)

Kim – Maybe even drag racing... I mean speed itself.

(long pause)

Kim – The point is, substance won’t judge them.

Kim – They may get hurt, but hurt with soothe, without _comment_.

Kim – It’s kind of self-soothing.

Kim – Very poor, but useful. At least for _now_.

Kim – And that is what _the love_ is,

Kim – I mean, to them.

Kim – As long as they saw no future, how could the _coming_ illnesses make them care?

Kim – To be honest, I had being thinking like “have being finding for whole life? How long your life could have been?”

Kim – This is ridiculous.

Kim – I mean, me.

Kim – It’s not about the length. It’s about the idea of “whole.” The feeling of “having been whole life.” Even if it’s only “feels like.”

Kim – And this self-soothing-tool could be anything, like I said. Could be lovers, friends, any kind of emotional bonds as well, for sure.

Kim – No...sorry. I lied. I was not as kind as how I described.

Kim – But, imagine I was, if you are willing to do that for me.

Kim – My opinion could be new for you, but it’s really a cliché for me. I could even say it’s a theory. Named codependency. It’s already an established theory!

Kim – I...

Kim – I don’t even know does this story make sense, and make sense to be a reference of the triggering I mentioned. I am overwhelmed.

Kim – I... ay.

Kim – They said I was a good cop because I solved so fucking many cases... not because I saved fucking many children and... how I solved cases was, maybe, destroying them. Like, you use drug? Send you to the jail. I just can’t do this anymore. Either send them to the jail for using it, OR SIMPLY LOOK AT THEM USING AND DO NOTHING. They use drug because they are sad, not because they are bad. They... fuck. If it is an adult I am totally fine with “send you to the jail,” and could convince myself to be “I am okay with this as long as you choose to do so by your own and are awake, capable of working” like how I dealt with Harry in Martinaise. But they ain’t. I mean the juveniles. And for me, Harry and Jean seem more and more like juvenile than adult criminal, fuck... maybe it is because I know exactly how hopeless they are – or I logically know that they are suffered even more than I’ve realized – instead of how many guys they have killed without a tiniest piece of shame...

Kim – Which is two. Revivable two. Reviving two. Keep killing them though.

Kim – Not a lot. (smiled)

Kim – I just want to avoid – escape from being shown to the drama even if only one-more-time. It’s fucking triggering. It’s... oh my.

Judit – Are you ok?

Kim – I must be... And they should go to workshop. Like counseling workshop, instead of workplace. RCM should pay for this, polices’ mental health care, for the sake of polices have gun.

Judit – Yeah, counseling, maybe couple counseling.

Kim – Maybe you too need. Group counseling. 41’s... at least your unit was destro... influenced by his... their... his mental healthy issues as all you have already known like why the fuck no one REALLY stopped it, even if kicking him out. I mean 41’s.

Judit – I can’t. I can’t. I just... well, if there is really a group counseling, will you come?

Kim – Of course why not. I AM angry with you like kicking a cat... I’m sorry. I am the one who needs counseling.

(Pause)

Kim – It’s weighted on my existing PTSD. I don’t even remember why did I transfer to 41’s NOW. Why did I put this onto myself? All I remember is how he hurt me in Martinaise like... fine, no worse than what Jean got. And what you got.

Judit – Does this mean you wanna leave?

Kim – No...

Judit – As you are used to the repeating of codependency, we are used to being given up because of Harry as well. It’s not... a big deal... now.

Kim – Well, no, IT IS and IT SHOULD BE... and I didn’t and don’t and won’t get used to it. I said it’s a cliché, not equal to I got numb. And that’s why what’s just happened happened today. And I just want things to get better. I mean, fuck, how could I even feel no guilty for leaving him NOW. Fuck. And leaving all you guys like “why don’t you deal with Harry by yourselves,” how can I even do that to all you NOW... Count me in for the hopefully-one-day-happening counseling.

Kim – I am afraid if I am but trying to redo, to “save” every children I failed and failed to save so that I projected them onto Harry... and Jean, but anyways. I could fail once again, I do know. But I need this. Still. So I won’t leave, for my own sake. 

Kim – (smiles weakly) Forgive me, for it’s also for my own sake.

Judit – It’s fine as long as you stay. And there is hope. I do believe.

**Author's Note:**

> Didn't mean to make it so long, it was but a memo came to me while walking. But... I like murmuring, so.
> 
> Feedback in Chinese and Japanese are welcome.
> 
> 可以用中文留言給我。
> 
> 日本語でコメントしてもいいですよ。


End file.
